Ever do something then hate yourself for it even though if you were in the same situation you'd probably do the same thing again. It's not so much the thing itself, although I do feel guilty, it's more the questions it raises about why it happened and what it means. It's not even that I want it to happen again, but I know it could and that's scary. Sorry for being vague, just not sure who's going to be reading this, although now it sounds even more dodgy!
It's not that big a deal. Something happened that messed with my head a bit and now I'm feeling anxious and scared and guilty. Had a few panic attacks lately and am a little worried it might set one off although feeling ok at the moment.
Anyway apart from that life is swell! Just been a bit hectic lately. Still trying not to feel guilty about stuff, but not been easy. Also have been smoking quite a bit lately, so not been feeling that great about that. Until next time..
Saturday, 17 February 2007
Monday, 22 January 2007
New Year Blues
I always find this time of year difficult for so many reasons. It's dark, cold and depressing for a start, but there is also all this pressure to improve yourself and better yourself. I think I need to try and learn to be happier with who I am and also to focus on the here and now and not on the future too much.
Taken a couple of days off work to re-evaluate and take stock. Being a Mum doesn't leave me much time to do this and in order to stay sane I really need it. Things have been getting on top of me and I really needed a break. I'm already nearly through the first day and I haven't really done very much at all. Trying not to feel guilty - a bad habit of mine. The washing up is still not done and the million things I was going to try and get done are still on my to do list, unticked. Still I have got things a little more in perspective now. I have a nasty habit of looking to far ahead and worrying and thinking too much. I have refocused my mind just on the next couple of weeks and what I want to achieve in that time. I like to set goals for myself. It helps focus my mind on something so that it doesn't get too full of loads of other stuff. I have to make them really achievable, like I gave up smoking last year and one of my goals is to keep off the fags. My head just seems programmed to feel guilty and negative towards myself. I unconsciously set myself very high standards and when I don't live up to these I feel like I've failed. When I look at what I'm thinking and realise what I'm doing though it really helps.
Taken a couple of days off work to re-evaluate and take stock. Being a Mum doesn't leave me much time to do this and in order to stay sane I really need it. Things have been getting on top of me and I really needed a break. I'm already nearly through the first day and I haven't really done very much at all. Trying not to feel guilty - a bad habit of mine. The washing up is still not done and the million things I was going to try and get done are still on my to do list, unticked. Still I have got things a little more in perspective now. I have a nasty habit of looking to far ahead and worrying and thinking too much. I have refocused my mind just on the next couple of weeks and what I want to achieve in that time. I like to set goals for myself. It helps focus my mind on something so that it doesn't get too full of loads of other stuff. I have to make them really achievable, like I gave up smoking last year and one of my goals is to keep off the fags. My head just seems programmed to feel guilty and negative towards myself. I unconsciously set myself very high standards and when I don't live up to these I feel like I've failed. When I look at what I'm thinking and realise what I'm doing though it really helps.
Thursday, 11 January 2007
Guilt
Why do I feel guilty so much of the time. Guilty when I'm watching TV, when I'm doing one thing and should be doing something else. The new year brings such promise of new starts and new beginnings, but so many of us are still trying to climb out of holes of the past. The weight of our lives now and the weight of yesturdays burdens leave us barely able to be move at all.
I feel fat and lazy at the moment and I'm too tired to do anything about it, therefore feeling more lazy and more guilt. Like everyone else I had an over indulgent Christmas, a really lovely over indulgent Christmas though. I am just so tired and sluggish now and a little depressed. I've taken some time off work next week and intend to get some rest, relaxation and some perspective. Try to reconnect with my spiritual side i.e.God.
Anyway sorry that my first blog is a bit dark, but if I can't be honest here, then where can I be. I'm not this miserble normally, honest. The New Year always get me thinking about re-evaluating my life and trying to improve my life and my health etc.. I did give up smoking last year, so I can do it when I try. Not sure what this year's goals will be, possibly to be less hard on myself would help.
I feel fat and lazy at the moment and I'm too tired to do anything about it, therefore feeling more lazy and more guilt. Like everyone else I had an over indulgent Christmas, a really lovely over indulgent Christmas though. I am just so tired and sluggish now and a little depressed. I've taken some time off work next week and intend to get some rest, relaxation and some perspective. Try to reconnect with my spiritual side i.e.God.
Anyway sorry that my first blog is a bit dark, but if I can't be honest here, then where can I be. I'm not this miserble normally, honest. The New Year always get me thinking about re-evaluating my life and trying to improve my life and my health etc.. I did give up smoking last year, so I can do it when I try. Not sure what this year's goals will be, possibly to be less hard on myself would help.
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